Love, Commitment, and Long-Lasting Relationships

Chapman Article:  In search of love and commitment: Dealing with the challenging odds of finding romance

Three possible solutions for addressing the challenges discussed in the Chapman article are as follows:

-Marriage encounter weekends similar to what is done through the Catholic Church; however, geared specifically to Black Americans, their culture, and family structure.  Maybe this is something that could be accomplished through certain religiously affiliated organizations.

-Separate Black male and female support groups led by Black community leaders (men and women) for the respective genders.  These might be groups held at community centers that would empower each group based on the respective stressors and give them the tools for healthy new and existing relationships.

-Relearning some of the “old fashioned” tools of a long-lasting relationship, one that has the strength of friendship, mutual respect and spirituality at its core.  I really like this concept; however, I am not sure the best way to implement something like this.  It is a true grass roots effort that starts within the family.

Additionally, I loved the article by Angela Stanley!  As I think about my three potential solutions to address the challenges discussed in Chapman’s article, and after reading Stanley’s article, I came to realize that any of the three suggestions I made could just as easily apply to White Americans.  Does this not really speak to the marriage crisis in general?  So, like Stanley asks, “Why all of the negative attention on black women?”  This is not only an issue of racism, but also one of sexism.

Bethea article:  African-American Women and the Male-Female Relationship Dilemma: A Counseling Perspective

As Bethea discusses in her research, the stereotypes about Black men and women and the effects these stereotypes have on the Black family are due to the ideas that Black men are "unreliable and preoccupied with sexual exploitation" and that Black women have this idea of the "ideal" mate that most African American men (or really most men in general) cannot live up to.  All of this results in the belief by African American women that they would not choose to be mateless; however, worse would be to choose a mate that could not live up to all of their expectations (however unrealistic).

Three areas the authors discuss that need to be addressed if counselors are to be effective with Black couples are:

1.  Loss - Ability to grieve the loss of the male-female relationship

2.  Communication - Communication barriers

3.  Stereotypes - Stereotypic thinking

I think that these three areas are a good place to start.  I especially like the idea of giving both the men and women permission to grieve the loss of what has in the past been such a strong and important part of Black culture in America - the traditional nuclear family.  Communication is a key factor in being able to express this loss, as well as open the door to begin to break down the stereotypic barriers that also plague the Black male-female relationship.

Richardson Article:  What Mama Couldn’t Teach Us About Love

The two Anti-Intimacy Beliefs from Richardson’s article that struck a chord with me are:

1.  I’m not good enough to be loved.  This relates back to the legacy of slavery from the standpoint of inferiority.  The slave was not “allowed” any sense of self-worth or dignity.

2.  My body is not my own.  This relates back to the legacy of slavery from the standpoint of the sexual abuse that female slaves were victims of and additionally, the shame associated when a woman became pregnant with the slave owner’s baby. 

Hammond Article:  Being A Man About It: Manhood Meaning Among African American Men

Four distinct ways that men in the Hammond and Mattis study defined manhood are:

1.  Responsibility-accountability – Being responsible for himself, as well as his family and others; being accountable for his own thoughts, actions and behaviors.

2.  Autonomy – Being self-sufficient, free governing and able to express his uniqueness.  Additionally, having power, control and authority over the choices and decisions related to his life.

3.  Providing-waymaking – Proving for himself, his family, or others; additionally, making ways to provide for others financially or otherwise.

4.  Spirituality-religiosity – Seeking guidance about his life /behavior through God, a higher power, or other spiritual guidance; having a belief in, relationship with, or connection to his higher power.

The two top themes that emerged as most prominent from the men interviewed in the study were Responsibility-accountability and Autonomy.  I am not surprised that these are the two themes that presented themselves as most prominent.  I believe that men, in general, value their autonomy and the ability to prove they are responsible and accountable to their loved ones, friends, employers, etc.

The following is a link to an interesting article from the Washington Post entitled “Black Men Quietly Combating Stereotypes”     

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/07/01/AR2006070100462.html